Friday, December 31, 2004

2005 Predictions

My crystal ball tells no lies, and it predicts the following:

1) In 2005, Bush will reveal that he is a secret admirer of Barbra Streisand and nominate her to the post of Secretary of Defense.
2) Rumsfeld will be so pissed that he'll start an affair with the equally depressed Laura Bush.
3) Michael Moore will direct a feature film starring Mel Gibson in a bio pic of Reverend Moon, the founder of the cultic Unification Church.
4) To prepare for the role, Mel Gibson will learn to speak Korean (the native tongue of Reverend Moon). For authenticity's sake, a significant portion of the movie will be shot in Korea with actors speaking Korean only.
5) To fend off the criticism that a non-Asian actor is playing an Asian role, Gibson will undergo extensive plastic surgery to make himself look Asian. "Movie makeup is not good enough," the Hollywood megastar will declare, "which I've learned from my last picture. Besides, I love sushi. Man, I really dig that raw fish stuff!"
6) The movie, "Bad Moon Rising", will smash all Hollywood box office records and propel Michael Moore and Mel Gibson to new heights of stardom and wealth.
7) Michael Moore and Mel Gibson will form a joint venture to buy out Disney and create two new theme parks -- "F911 Petting Zoo" in Alabama and "Passion of J. C. Mountain" in Vegas.
8) Chelsea Clinton will move to Ireland, receive an honorary Irish citizenship, then run for president in Ireland and win in a landslide.
9) Hillary Clinton will quit her Senate seat and run for the presidency of the United Nations and win easily.
10) Near the end of 2005, with the entire Bush administration and Republican leadership on board, Air Force One will experience a catastrophic mechanical malfunction and crash into an oil field in Texas. In an emotional special Congressional session, a resolution will be passed to bring Bill Clinton back as the interim President.

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